Friday, March 16, 2012

A year ago today...

A year ago today I left work at lunch for my 33 week pregnancy check up. Papers everywhere, no lesson plans for the next day and no copies made, I had every intention of going back to get ready for the next day's classes. Well, maybe I was just planning on coming in early the next day to prepare, as OBGyn appointments can sometimes take longer than expected. But surely I was not planing on driving myself to the hospital and checking myself in to be placed on strict hospital-monitored bed rest. Had I had any inclination whatsoever that tings were not going well you can bet Gabe never would have been allowed to leave for SXSW in Austin. Never!

I don't remember much about that appointment, only breaking down to the doctor telling her how scared I was. How alone I felt. I remember her hugging me and telling me that, against her judgement, she was allowing me to drive home only long enough to pack a bag and return to the hospital, not knowing if I would be there for 1 day or the full 7 weeks until my due date. I clearly remember walking to my car and breaking down again once I got there. I called Gabe. I called my mom. I called my sister. Who would care for Anderson? When would/could Gabe get home? How long would I be in the hospital? What about Anderson's birthday (3 days later!)? And his party that weekend!? And what about work? Oh my gosh- my desk! My lunch and an enormous mess was still sitting on my desk!

As I settled into my hospital bed, hooked to numerous monitors and machines and being pumped full of liquids I tried so hard to keep focused. To put my feelings of desperation, sadness, loneliness, and fear aside and remain focused on my baby. This is what he needed. This was his way of telling me to knock it off and slow down. To reflect and to rest. I cancelled the birthday party, made arrangements to not return to work until the fall and did the only thing I could- just lay there.

Little rest was had while in the hospital that week and even less was had in the week and a half that I actually got to spend in my own bed before Baby Beck's early arrival. Truly, the term "bed rest" is just silly. Somehow being forced to stay in bed and not move to do anything other than go to the bathroom when you feel perfectly fine is perhaps the least restful scenario imaginable.

As I plan not one, but TWO parties this year during these same couple of weeks I am spending a lot of time thinking about how much time I devote to things that just aren't that important. I'm still doing too much, too fast; but I am making the effort to scale back. Being a good mom means being a present mom. Perhaps thats what Beck has taught me most. He has always demanded a little more attention from me as if to say, "hey there, lady, stop trying to do so much that nobody but you will notice and spend your time with ME!". He's right. In so many ways, he is perfectly right.

The picture I sent to Gabe's phone once I was all hooked up. Takes me back to that moment instantly.  

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