Christmas came. And went.

I'm within a month's time so I find it totally acceptable to just now be sitting down to write about the Christmas that almost wasn't. With the stomach flu taking out first Beck, then Gabe (and subsequently no less than 9 others members of the extended family), things didn't go exactly as anticipated. Though they never really do, do they? I managed to pull it together and play Santa and we at least got a glimpse of Gabe on Christmas morning, but the whole day was a bit of a downer and there certainly weren't many pictures taken. Four to be exact. But despite the craziness, the vomit, and the stress, treats were made and delivered, presents wrapped and unwrapped, and smiles broke through (just not for the camera). Next year has to be better. It just has to.

Tell me

It's not that I didn't know something was wrong, it's just that I didn't want to be that mom. The one who is over-bearing, over-protective, and over-worried about every little thing her kids do or do not do at certain ages. But I knew. I knew that at two years old Beck should have been speaking and I knew that he was behind. But still I waited. By two and nearly a half it had been long enough. After countless evaluations by his doctor, therapists, and social workers it was determined that Beck had a "severe" speech delay, with (thank God) no other developmental delays observed. News we could totally handle. It has been a many-months long process including state, private, and school district services, but we are finally seeing some real progress. Whereas just 4 months ago he had a vocabulary of just 8 comprehensible words (when 250+ is considered "normal") he now uses more words than we can even count. What we can understand, well, that is still far from normal, but there are words just the same. With twice weekly private therapy sessions and an upcoming evaluation through the school district in which an IEP will be put in place and services provided at a local elementary school, we hope to find him well within the "normal" range within the next year. Boy do we love this little guy. And now he can tell us he loves us, too. :)

2013, a list of sorts

2013 was a good year. Below, a numerical listing of ups, downs, and everything in between.
12 years as "Gabe and Mimi"
7 years as "the Palmers"
4 years as parents
2 years as a family of four
3 new sports (t-ball, swimming, soccer)
9 soccer games
1 trip to Chuck E. Cheese
6 trips to the Natural History Museum
40+ trips to 31 Flavors
3 public tantrums
463 oh my God, why did I want kids again? moments
1 painted bedroom
1 new old piano
12 sewing projects
26 various home, art, and craft projects started but never completed
11 snack duties
5 computer repairs, resulting in
1 new hard drive
37,000+ photos saved thanks to the computer guys and a lot of prayers
0 Christmas cards sent
100 envelopes and blank cards ordered
6 trips to the mechanic
4,500 dollars to fix my stupid paid-for car (though technically I don't pay until next week, so I guess that falls into 2014?)
3 paid off vehicles
2 paid off medical bills
63 forgotten to-do lists
6,342 snuggles, giggles, and tickle fights
4 closets still waiting to be organized
17 blog drafts never published
0 regrets

All in all, it was a very good year. Overwhelmed, broke, and patience-testing on every level, but still one of the best years yet. 2 days in and 2014 seems to promise much of the same, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Oh, hello November. And December. (and probably most of October, too!)

It's been more than a couple of months of troubles that have now resulted in a new hard drive, but hopefully (fingers double crossed here) things are back in swing and the last few months of thoughts, pictures, and ramblings can be uploaded, jotted down, and forever memorialized. Or at least I can pick up from today and move forward. Let's not be too ambitious, here. It is Christmastime, afterall.

The thing about soccer...

...is that he kind of hates it. I think. During the week he talks about it as if he loves it and he hasn't stopped talking about the goal he made a couple of weeks back. But. He doesn't play. He loves the practice prior to the game and he most certainly loves the "tunnel" and snack at the end, but the actual playing of the game? Well, not so much.

The season ends in just a few weeks and I am sure he will tell tales of how great the experience was,  but for now I am doing all I can just to keep his interest long enough to last through the game (bribes of the pumpkin patch or ice cream seem to work pretty well for this; and yes, I know that makes me a bad mom but whatever).

I would never push my kids to participate in something they didn't like, but at the same time they aren't going to quit half way through when the rest of the team is counting on them. The fact of the matter is that he's four. What is great one day is forgotten the next and my job is not to push, but rather to expose him to as many things as I can and let him carve out his own path. Just perhaps not with a soccer ball. Maybe it will be sports, maybe it will be art (doubtful), or maybe it will be something that absolutely surprises me (song writing! ceramics! woodworking!); whatever it is, though, you can bet I will be right behind him, cheering loudly.

Snap out of it

Somewhere between the school year's end, the hectic weekends, and the seemingly never-ending piles of laundry I have fallen into a funk. Things just aren't as they should be and I have been working to remedy the situation the best I know how. Sometimes thoughts, feelings, and self-judgments get in the way of the important things and I just need to step back, survey my surroundings, prioritize, and simply enjoy what comes my way. Perfection is unattainable, but contentment is not. Though it seems just out of my grasp, it is looming and, hopefully, inevitable.

There's something about Trader Joe's

Within the last 6 or so months, while shopping at Trader Joe's:

• Anderson pulled over a shopping cart on himself while Beck was sitting in the seat (5 firemen just happened to be there and came to our rescue)
• Anderson had a hysterical meltdown (kicking, screaming, most likely spitting) over not getting a second sample of something (God only knows what)
• Anderson nearly stole a bag of Trail Mix and a bag of Gummy Penguins (we walked back in and returned them)
• A woman pulled me aside in the freezer aisle just to say, "it's OK, we've all been there" as a reaction to the insanity (albeit usually joyful insanity) that is my two boys in a tiny grocery store, one of whom wields his own shopping cart haphazardly through the aisles
• I dropped a hundred dollar bill on the floor only to discover it was missing when I went to pay for my groceries (I am forever indebted to the nice woman with the "God bless!" voicemail who turned it in)
• An elderly woman got down at Anderson's level while I was singing/dancing in the aisle (it was Come on Eileen, for goodness sakes) and proclaimed, "your mom's a crazy lady!"
• I had to put groceries back at the checkout when I realized I had left my wallet at home and only had a twenty in my pocket (which of course made Anderson's day as he had a legitimate reason to sing "only got twenty dollars in my pocket"). This of course caused me to have a Terms of Endearment flashback to that scene where Debra Winger is mortified at the grocery when she doesn't have enough money and everyone stares at her as if she is some sort of incompetent mother who can't even afford to feed her kids. Oh, how I love, love, love that movie, but I digress.

And then, yesterday, the best of the best:

• I locked my keys, my cell phone, and my children in the car. My kids! Trapped in their car seats, talking (screaming) through the window, not even 1 minute after I had warned them against this very thing. (Seriously, just listen to me! I am wise!) It was quite a dilemma and thanks to the kindness of many strangers (and one kind of grouchy dad who lent me his cell phone) I remained calm and handled the situation. Unfortunately I apparently drive a "high security vehicle" ha! and AAA was proving to be a bit of a hassle (locksmith? since when can't you bend a coat hanger and open that sucker up?) so I did what I do best and called my parents to help. Fortunately it wasn't a terribly hot day and within 40 minutes or so my babies were in my arms once again. Needless to say, Anderson learned his lesson about not pushing the door lock button, "never again, mommy!". All's well that ends well.

And so, Trader Joe's, I shop with fear every single week for I know my days of cheap wine and milk are numbered. It's OK, I don't blame you. Clearly there is a black cloud that follows me on every trip. Who knows what damage we are capable of causing? Perhaps there is some sort of secret employee announcement when you see me walk in the door. She's here! Hide the samples! My only saving grace is that Trader Joe's is still the unpretentious, down-to-Earth grocery for nice, normal people and so far nobody has kindly suggested that I try doing my shopping at the Trader's down the street. Not yet, at least.

A little broken

I had been keeping up with my running and, well, actually enjoying it (seriously, did I just write that?) and then this (a fracture, no a sprain, no a sprain that I then stress fractured). Whatever it is, two weeks later I still can't bear weight and the doctor tells me it will be at least 2 more weeks before I am out of this boot. I have yet to even ask about the running as the thought is simply excruciating at this point. No doubt the reason my my un-fractured foot now has a stress fracture is due entirely to my inability to take it easy so my goal is to mind doctor's orders, wear the boot except for when in bed, and stay off my foot a much as possible. Right.

Acknowledging the evil that exists

It was only about seven minutes after the explosion had occurred that I heard the news on the radio. Everything was an unknown as, at that time, they still held hope that it had been a burst gas line or some other explainable event. But I knew, we all did. And at that very moment the first thought that filled my mind was, Oh Lord, please not again.

My heart is heavy and I can't help but feel guilt as I go about my day. In December after the Newtown tragedy I was silenced. I could not even bring myself to speak about it, much less write about it. I still can't bear to hear those parents speak of their overwhelming loss. Today I find myself feeling much the same way. There are no words. Yet at the same time there are so many.

I am thankful to not yet have to explain such events to my young boys, but it is only a matter of time. Evil exists. It always will. For it is by the presence of evil that we know and understand the meaning of peace.

For those families, friends, and loved ones whose lives have been impacted by such horrendous acts, I pray for peace. I pray that the good in our hearts will always overpower the evil that exists. That a few people can cause such suffering and misery is devastating; but the fortitude, courage, and determination those same few people have given to thousands, if not millions, of others will only serve to overcome. Good always wins in the end. I believe that with everything that I am. I must.

Two

Beck,
Two years ago I met you and although I loved you completely, I did not know you. I could not have begun to guess who you would become or how you would change me both as a mother and as a human. You have brought more joy than you can imagine and you have filled a void I never even knew existed before you. You are strong-willed, obstinate, and feisty which, if describing anyone else, may seem like unfortunate descriptors, yet when describing you they fill me with great hope and comfort for these are the qualities of a leader. You are your own little person; you follow your heart and your desire. You are a risk-taker. You are adventurous and fearless and you give me a mini heart attack almost daily. You are a fighter and have been since before you even came into this world. You are kind, loving, and heart-achinlgy sweet and I know, without a doubt, that you were given to me to make me a better mom.You are so loved and so incredibly special.  Happy birthday, Baby Beck. "I love you" just doesn't seem like enough.

Four

Anderson,
Today you turn four years old. Four years of hugs, four years of laughs, four years of the brightest days. Your smile is contagious, your sweet giggle hysterical. No longer a toddler, but not quite a big boy you are trying to figure out this great big world. You are curious, passionate, and kind. You give the biggest hugs, the best kisses, and the coziest snuggles. You are a champion negotiator and a master dinosaur player. You are the most perfect you and my world is better because you are mine. I love you more than you'll ever know. Happy birthday, sweet boy.

Giving up

As of Wednesday I have given up sweets for Lent and I have been craving them every hour day since. I think I'm having ice cream withdrawals. Seriously. From every night to none? Surely I should have begun the process of weening a week ago. I'm not so secretly  counting the days until I can have a piece of birthday cake (29!) to celebrate Anderson turning 4 (because I make my own rules and I say everyone in the family eats cake!). Now that I write that, it seems like a really far way off. Hmm.

And if that weren't sacrifice enough, I have also put myself back on the same TV diet from last year and added a new sacrifice into the mix which I'm referring to as the "social media diet". Using the phone or computer in front of the boys to quickly check updates on Instagram or Facbook has become a bad habit that needs to stop. So the phone gets put away when they are awake, only to be used for making or responding to calls or answering text messages (not in their presence). So far it's been totally painless, despite the numerous missed calls and texts from Gabe. I guess if my phone is not going to be near me I should probably at least turn on the ringer.

Part of the purpose for making such sacrifices is to challenge yourself to break bad habits and improve your quality of life in the process. Last year's TV diet resulted in a new found love for reading and I've read every single night since, finishing more books in the last year than in probably all of my twenties. And while I know that I will never give up sweets (that's just ridiculous, really), I do hope that I learn to not be so mindless in my use of technology in front of the kids. It's too easy, really, to become enslaved to such unimportant nonsense. A student told me the other day that it takes 30 days to break a habit, I am hoping he is right.

At peace

I never tire of watching them sleep.

So very, very sick

A confirmed case of Norovirus for Gabe, pneumonia and an ear infection for Anderson, and a head cold for Baby Beck. It's like the plague over here. I wonder if it's a positive that it all happened at once? Who knows. All I know is that this week has been horrendous for all of us. Somehow I am still healthy (I have no idea how that is even possible), but the back-log of work I have is daunting. I am hoping this weekend brings relief, smiles, and good moods. Oh, and I am crossing my fingers to be able to sleep in my bed sometime in the near future. Sleeping on the couch stinks.

Sick

It seems all the males in this house have been hit by some virus or another. Gabe has some sort of flu (which I diagnosed as the Norovirus because Google has made me an amateur MD), Anderson was diagnosed with croup (for real, when it come to the kids I see an actual doctor) and Beck has had a mild fever and congestion which I am crossing my fingers turns in to nothing more. It has been 3 days of laundry, Lysol, hand-sanitizer and bleach. Not to mention unacceptable amounts of Spongebob, dinosaur documentaries, and the Disney Channel. While Gabe is quarantined in our bedroom being grumpy, I have been trying to at least enjoy the snuggles that come from 2 sick little boys. This, too, shall pass. Quickly, I hope. Sleeping on the couch and dealing with grouchy sickies is terrible.

A dozen years

Gabe, this week marks the 12 year anniversary of our very first date. A lot of flirting on both parts went into making that rather odd date a reality and I could not have been happier to see the boy that I had pursued for so many weeks show up on my door step. I don't think that either one of us can deny that within days we knew we had something special. I love you to bits, Palmsley Mosley. ;)

And, oh my gosh, how young do we look in that picture?! I swear you were the youngest 30 year old ever! It's amazing what 12 years and 2 kids can do, right?!

Lately (at least according to my phone)

 

Lately our days have been filled with dinosaur staging, learning and imagining, mess cleaning, park visiting, Lego building, salted caramel bar eating and library going.  Nothing unusual, nothing super exciting, but everything just right. 

13 for 13

Last year I made a "12 for 12" list of goals that I hoped to reach for the year. Making "resolutions" seems like such a one-off; like once you complete that task it is complete and there is nothing more to it. By setting goals for myself I am hoping to create change, to improve in some way, not simply to accomplish something (even though a couple of my goals are, in fact, tasks to accomplish. But it's my list so I can do whatever I want, right?). Last year I did pretty well in achieving many of my goals though, admittedly, I never looked at the list once it was written. Apparently the simple, reflective act of making the list can be enough to plant the seed that will ultimately lead you to grow and change.

Though I realize making this a "thing" that I do every year only means my list will inevitably grow longer, I am pretty sure that as the years go on I will sadly only find more and more aspects of my life that could use a little improvement. Isn't that the way everything goes? And so here it is- my list of 13 goals, changes, undertakings, etc. that I would like to make a priority in these next 362 days good grief, I'm already behind in no particular order.

1. Figure out to use this expensive camera of mine. I spent far too much money on this dslr to not learn to use it to its fullest potential. Though I don't shoot on auto, at times it seems I may as well. I have an overwhelming fear of missing the moment because I am fiddling with settings. It's time to bite the bullet on this one and start pressing buttons and moving dials. My photos just make me sad and there is no excuse for not doing something about it.
2. Take a class. I have been making excuses for not taking a letterpress class for a year and a half now. And I'm pretty sure I haven't stepped foot inside a yoga studio since before Anderson was born nearly 4 years ago. I miss being a student. Even if only on-line, I am aching to gain knowledge.
3. Figure out the basics of Photoshop. After having just spent about 2 hours trying to accomplish something that seems as if it should have been incredibly easy (and ultimately closing out of it in frustration), I am committed to doing some research and figuring this beast out. As confident as I am in Illustrator you would think some of my knowledge would transfer. Nope. Stupid Adobe programs.
4. Smile, engage, compliment, and just be nice. So simple, right? I am not mean (though surely there are a few around me who would totally challenge me on this statement including a certain almost 4 year old who needs a time-out almost daily), but I am not an overly nice person. You know, the kind that is always nice and positive and superfluous with their compliments? I'm not even close. But the other day I found myself in Target checking out. The cashier greeted me with the standard "How is everything going today" to which I responded "well, thank you" and proceeded with my transaction with no further contact other than to grab my receipt and say thank you once again. As I walked away I heard her greet the next customer in the same robotic way, to which the customer responded, "great, and how about you? How is your day going?". The employee then stated, with a totally different tone, "nobody ever asks me how I am doing, thank you for that! I'm actually doing great". In that moment I was reminded that such simple gestures can make an impact yet I rarely engage in them. My personality is my personality and I have never been a small talker, but surely I can make the effort to be more aware of those moments where just a smile or a compliment can make someone just a little happier.
5. Don't engage in the nonsense. Sadly there are a lot of people who thrive on drama and pot-stirring. No doubt I have been guilty myself, though this year I have spent a lot more time in the pot than I would have liked. Jeez, half the time I didn't even know there was a pot! I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that I am a sucker for the gossip, but lately I am just exhausted by all of it. If it doesn't concern me I just need not care. Heck, even if it does concern me it's probably not worth my time to engage. My time is too valuable to waste being bitter or bothered.  
6. Work more, spend less, and stick to a plan. It is no secret that money has been beyond tight in the Palmer house for a couple of years since having babies. I have no regrets about the decisions we have made to spend as much time with our kids as possible, but I am also sick of being broke. Surely I can find a way to bring in some extra money doing something I enjoy; I just need to put a bit of thought into what exactly that may look like.
7.  Make our master bedroom a place I actually enjoy. This is a repeat from last year, but what good is a list of goals if you are not allowed carry-over? None, I say. So with the paint chosen and  the curtains still in their packaging waiting to be hung, I look forward to accomplishing this goal relatively soon. Like within the next couple of weeks. Or sooner. I cannot stand those stupid faux painted walls much longer. It's like I live in Tuscany,; only it's not Tuscany, it's just my ugly faux Venetian plastered Tuscany wannabe 1990s renovated bedroom which overlooks the street and not a vineyard. Yuck.
8. Get out of the house. We are actually pretty good at this, but there are definitely days where it is way too easy to hang on the couch with the kids and put on a show. Now that they boys are at easier ages and can enjoy outings I hope to take them on as many "adventures" as possible. And as any parent knows, calling any boring old errand an "adventure" makes it that much more exciting.  
9. Finish my back-log of sewing projects. I was so inspired this summer and then work started back up and I put the machine away. I owe a couple of gifts to a couple of people and I need to get a move on. I've already missed Christmas, but I am hoping to make them birthday gifts. Or Easter presents. Fourth of July gift, perhaps?
10. Utilize every drawer and cabinet in my office area. The empty drawers are not for a lack of stuff with which to fill them, but rather a lack of commitment. I swear I have the weirdest thing about putting things in drawers. It's like I can't commit to what function the drawer should have so it just sits empty waiting for me to be inspired to fill it. Shall it hold writing implements? Computer-related odds and ends? Should it be a singular or multi-purpose use drawer? Should I put in organizers or take advantage of the vast amount of space? Seriously, who has ever heard of such a non-problem problem? Meanwhile I can barely see the top of my desk because of all of the crap that should be in the drawers. Maybe what I really need is  a therapist.
11. Make my marriage my number one priority. I have a good marriage. I do. But it is not what I know it has the potential to be. Between kids and money and work and the day-to-day running of the house I often just don't have the energy to suck it up and put a smile on. This is not a "date night" kind of goal, although those are always welcome, but rather a commitment to improve the quality of the everyday, the ordinary, the mundane.
12. Improve a skill. I am pretty good at a lot of things. I am not, however, great at any one thing in particular. "Jack of all trades, master of none"? That's me. And, honestly, it has been a really great asset. It's just that I often find myself stuck in a position of envy of those who are masters of their skill. Those who have seemingly perfected their art or craft, the outliers. Though I have no intention of neglecting some talents in order to perfect only one, I would most definitely love to become more skilled in a few. Does that even make sense? Well, it does to me and that's really all that matters anyway.
13. Blog more regularly, more consistently, and more haphazardly. Too often I find myself not writing because the event is long-passed, the photos are too poor, or I just can't find the right words. But then I look back on the year, at these posts, and I remember why I do it and that none of that matters. What matters is that my family and I have this record of who we are, where we've been, and what we've done along the way. This little blog which has a grand total of no more than 4 readers has become something very special to me. It is my time capsule. I have no one to whom I must answer, I have no standard which must be met. This is my little place and there is no detail too mundane, too boring, or too blurry to remember.

Hmmm...so it seems there is a pretty obvious thread running through a lot of these goals. Surely it is just a coincidence, but I prefer to think of it as a sign that 2013 is a year for change. That it is time to face some obviously strong desires head-on and put them into action. A year from now I hope to be able to cross more than a handful of items off of the list and to feel like a stronger, more confident, and more knowledgeable woman (who hopefully has a little more money in her wallet and a painted bedroom!).
 

2012 in 100 frames

Giggling. Exploring. Eating. Celebrating. Crafting. Swimming. Sunning. Creating. Sewing. Running. Gifting. Organizing. Reflecting. Planting. Painting. Indulging. Exploring. Dancing. Training. Tantruming. Measuring. Riding. Wrestling. Baking. Working. Saving. Spending. Snuggling. Loving.

So long, 2012

I had all but forgotten about my list of goals for 2012 until I sat down to scroll through my posts from this last year and there they were. I must admit that I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to cross off even one item as such lists are typically not my strong suit. A list maker, I am. A list sticker-wither, not so much. A new list is sure to follow, but for now I am holding myself accountable for what began exactly one year ago today.

1. Finish the garage organization process. So I am beginning to think this just may never happen. Ughh...
2. Make the master bedroom a place I actually like to be. It's not quite there yet (or rather it is exactly where it was at this time last year), but as of last Friday I have chosen the paint color, bought the curtains and the rod, and gotten new sheets. I was supposed to be painting tonight, but that is so not going to happen.
3. Make saving money a priority. It's not that it's not a priority, it's just that here simply is none to spare. I totally sense a goal for 2013 here.
4. Document it all. Maybe I haven't sat down to write about all of it, or even half of it, but I have made the effort. Between the thousands of photos, instagram, and this blog, I would say this year has been immortalized relatively well.  
5. Paint the living room. Yes!
6. Contact friends with whom I have only exchanged Christmas cards over the past couple of years. There are still a couple on my list, but far less than last year.
7. Live a bit greener (that sounds so much better than "cheaper", doesn't it?). I haven't bought paper towels (though, admittedly, I had a back supply of about 4 rolls), dryer sheets, or cleaners (except one fabulous smelling Method counter spray that I can't even bring myself to use for fear it will run out) in a year. And I did try very hard to make my own laundry soap only to find one of the key ingredients nearly impossible to come by. Who was I kidding, anyway?
8. Give hand-made more often. This has no doubt been my favorite goal to reach.
9. Enjoy the moment. I am hesitant to cross this off as I am not sure I will ever feel this goal has been sufficiently accomplished.
10. Organize the drawers. Not only organized, but still organized nearly a year later.
11. Kill the clutter. Though Gabe will likely disagree, I must say that I have been much better about this. I still worry, though, that there may have been something fabulous in that back issue of Real Simple I just passed along.
12. Reflect. Not nearly enough, but more than ever before.

This year has been challenging, exciting, at times extremely frustrating, educational and very fun. I have gotten to know my little family in a way that is so difficult when the babies are, well, babies. We have fought, cried, hugged and loved more than ever. All in all it has been a really good year that, as so many do, has passed all too quickly.