Hello, bottle

Yesterday marked a pretty sad day as I put away the pump for the very last time. It's been coming; it comes as no surprise, but I just am not quite ready for Beck to be completely weaned from nursing at not even ten months old. I have tried not to judge myself for what admittedly feels like a bit of a failure. I have tried to remember that this is something over which I have no control. But, still, I am saddened that my baby has made the decision that he no longer needs me in the way he once did. I am sure there are more things I could have tried to keep it going, but to what end? An unhappy baby who is not getting all that he needs to be satisfied, happy, and healthy? As I finish off the last of what stored milk is in the freezer my heart is a bit heavy at the thought of what it all represents- a special bond between Beck and me that could never be experienced by anyone else. I know that so many people find the whole thing silly and they don't understand why I even gave a second thought to introducing formula, but I suppose it is not for them to understand. He is not their baby. And so each time I "make a bottle" I do so with just a twinge of guilt and a touch of sadness that my baby will not be a baby for much longer, that this is just the beginning of many things of which he will "let go" as grows. And I am grateful for the nine months I had to hold him close and provide for him what nobody else could.

A month ago today...

...you sat on your own for the very first time and had no teeth. Today you are sitting, crawling, pulling up to your knees and have 4 teeth coming in. You amaze me, Baby Beck. Just when I was beginning to worry about you hitting your milestones you showed me how strong you really are.

Rainy Day

It rained hard enough today for Anderson to don the new rain gear Santa brought. Happy boy. He even put on his own boots. On the wrong feet, of course.

3 Weeks In...

I had kind of intended to start this year off by summarizing each week as it lead into the next (OK, maybe each couple of weeks if I am being realistic). A quick journaling of sorts, maybe even just photos, in an effort to remember not just those things that are deemed "important" or noteworthy, but those that happen in the day to day. The mundane, the cute, the "real" moments that make up the majority of our time. Since I am fairly certain this blog has a reader total of about 4, I feel no pressure to portray our lives as anything other than what they are- sometimes boring, often funny, usually stress-filled, and always filled with love.

These last two weeks sickness has been lurking in the air so we have managed to do little more than sit on the couch and watch Mighty Machines and America's Funniest Home Videos (seriously, Anderson is obsessed with that show) for what seems like hours on end. I did manage to squeeze in a pedicure this week (thank you, Mom!), though I had a very tight time limit as this was the day that Gabe was hit by "the illness". Nearly every morning within an hour of arriving to work I have received some sort of call that has reported something gross coming out of one of the boys, but fortunately all has seemed relatively fine by the time I have gotten home at lunch. Illness aside, we have seen friends and family this week and managed to squeeze in a couple of walks to the park. I even started reading a book. A real book that's not about babies or toddlers. It's the little things.

One of my favorite pictures of this week:

Beck loves his blankie (little does he know it was a reject from Anderson). He snuggles his face in it and it calms him down almost immediately. I understand completely.

Infirmary

Something powerful has swept through this house and touched us all in a different way. Fevers, coughs, stomach aches and vomit. More vomit than I care to think about, really. Lots of Tylenol, Advil, Vicks, hot showers, loads of laundry on the "sanitize" cycle, and one doctor's visit later, it seems everyone is on the mend. Fortunately no one was hit all that hard, but it is never easy to see the boys not feeling well. Baby Beck has started the last two days off in the worst possible way. Even the cat was sick last night. Fortunately we have plenty of clean sheets on the ready. Please let this be the end.

Wheels

Santa brought a bike and it has been so fun to watch Anderson learn to walk "ride" it. One of the first things he said about the balance bike was "where are the pedals?". Hmm...maybe Santa should have brought training wheels instead.

Tooth!

You cut your first tooth last week. Ouch. Ibuprofin has become a close friend these past few days.

Baby Beck : 9 months

I'm a little late in getting things done this month as your nine month birthday fell on New Year's Day. Postponing your pictures just 1 day ultimately meant postponing them 7 days as the weeks just seem to fly by lately. This past month has been one of the busiest and most exciting since we brought you home from the hospital. This month saw Christmas, New Year's, and a whole lot of shopping. In one month's time you've learned to sit, begun to scooch, and grown a tooth. Here's the run down:

Teeth: You've got one! Well, almost anyway. That top right tooth has finally broken through and it is not coming in without a fight.

Eating: The news from the doctor at your last check-up was not great so we have been trying to add in a larger variety of higher fat and protein foods. Cottage cheese was a complete bust (I don't blame you one bit). Yogurt continues to be a favorite, though apple sauce may be taking the lead. Vegetables are going over better than fruits and you spit a blackberry out on the carpet the other day. Thank you for that. Mango makes you gag and tofu seems to be a take-it-or-leave it food. Nothing seems to beat Cheerios, though. You inhale them like a vacuums cleaner.

Drinking: You have now become a bottle baby. I have a bit of guilt and anxiety over this, but I know it is what is best. You are happier and have a fuller tummy. I still have plenty of milk stocked in the freezer to keep you going and I will continue to pump, but formula appears to be your new best friend.

Sitting: You can sit!!! On December 22, at nearly nine months old, you finally began to sit on your own. Admittedly, I was beginning to get a bit worried. I knew not to be and I should have known you would just do things in your own time.

Crawling: You are so close. You still roll all over the place and you now army crawl as well, lying on your belly and pulling yourself forward. You also do the backwards crawl where you lie on your back and scooch your feet to get where you are going. You have found this to be especially effective on the tile and sometimes I just let you go to see how far you'll scooch (though you did wind up under the credenza the other day so maybe that wasn't the best idea). You can get up on all fours now and when you do you shake your little bottom like your gearing up to go and then fall to the side. You are too cute.

Sleeping: Agghhh!!! What is going on with the sleeping?!?! I blame it on the teeth. Or the substandard quality breast milk you were drinking. All of a sudden over Christmas break you decided that anytime between 4:30 and 5:15 am was a perfect time to wake for the day. No sir. I cannot tolerate that. Especially on vacation. We have since been giving you a (giant) formula bottle in the early morning if you wake and that holds you over until a reasonable hour when the sun is actually shining. (Apparently that is as late as 7:30 on the mornings I am not home. I'm not as lucky.) Your brother, on the other hand, has kindly taken over your role as the early-waker.

Crying: We have a bit more of this lately due to the teeth. Crying, whining, general fussiness- I am hoping sure it will pass.

General cuteness: You squeal when we tickle you and it drives me crazy with giddy. You love your bath more than just about anything and you continue to find humor in everything Anderson does. Your smile melts my heart.

12 for 12

I've never been the type to make resolutions, perhaps because not too deep down I know I don't have the ability, the drive, or, more accurately, the desire to carry them out. This year, however, as I look around my house, as I watch my boys grow faster than I could have ever imagined, and as I struggle to keep it all together (at least on the surface) I am overwhelmed. I have to take control. Little by little things have been adding up and I have to start tackling them. Some things are big and personal and require systemic change on my part; others are easy, quick, and will produce immediate satisfaction. I have decided to start with 12 of these things (changes? achievements? goals?). Twelve because 12 sounds manageable. Twelve sounds like enough to be impressive, but not so many that I give up before I even begin. And, well, 12 for 12 just sounded kind of catchy. Regardless, they are all within my ability and they will all make me happier. There is neither rhyme nor reason to the things to which I have actually chosen to commit other than the fact that they are things that keep popping into my thoughts and they are the first 12 I could think of as I began to write. Surely there are about 47 other things I need to accomplish before this new year's end, but I need to start small. Baby steps here.

1. Finish the garage organization process. We have lived here 2 years next month and the garage still has unpacked boxes. That's bad.
2. Make the master bedroom a place I actually like to be. Our room is not calming, not relaxing, not put together. It is ugly and unorganized and it makes me feel unsettled. I must choose a paint color and decide what to do with that stupid small window above the bed like, tomorrow.
3. Make saving money a priority. I listen to enough financial talk radio shows to know that we need to get our act together. We have two kids to put through college, for goodness sakes.
4. Document it all. I am pretty disciplined at documenting the important things but I would really like to look back and have more documentation of the day to day of our lives. How else am I going to remember that Baby Beck had his first blackberry (which he hated) or that Anderson spontaneously laid his head on my lap tonight and said, "I love you mommy". Twice.
5. Paint the living room. This has seriously been on the "to do" list since we moved in and it seems there is always a reason it doesn't happen. Hmm...2 kids who need constant attention, perhaps?
6. Contact friends with whom I have only exchanged Christmas cards over the past couple of years. I had a little twinge of guilt as I addressed some of our Christmas cards this year as I realized I had not spoken to some of the people in over a year (or 2!). These are people I like very much but with whom I have lost contact since having babies. This must change.
7. Live a bit greener (that sounds so much better than "cheaper", doesn't it?). Making your own detergent, spot removers, and household cleaners sounds far more appealing under the guise of being "environmentally friendly". In reality, that's just the added bonus to cutting the budget and being cheap.
8. Give hand-made more often. Special people deserve special gifts. It's not always a matter of spending money (though I do really love buying gifts). Sometimes the best gifts are the smallest.
9. Enjoy the moment. I spend a lot of time worrying about where I need to be or what I need to do next. My life is driven by a very strict schedule. I don't really see that changing, but I do know that I need to take the time to enjoy the present when I am with the boys.
10. Organize the drawers. These drawers are driving me crazy. I need to suck it up and go buy drawer organizers so I can finally be content. I am sick of my makeup brushes living next to the toothpaste with the nail clippers resting on top. How sad that I have actually spent a good deal of time thinking about this.
11. Kill the clutter. Am I a hoarder? Will I one day be buried under piles of clothes and grocery ads? Where the heck did all of this crap come from? My life is being over-run by paper. Tons and tons of paper. And little random dumb things that "I might need some day". It's ridiculous.
12. Reflect. I find myself moving on auto-pilot far too often. The work/home balance takes a lot and it is not often that I stop and truly reflect upon my life. I'm not exactly sure what this will mean, but I do know it must happen. I feel anxious regularly and I know it stems from the fact that I feel life is passing by and I am not taking the time to reflect upon how I am living it. I'm not sure if I need to write more, think more, pray more, or just relax more, but I cannot continue to live without consciously thinking of what this life means and what my purpose is.

I'll start here, in no particular order. I can do this. At least I think I can.

2012 - looking forward

2011 saw some really great times- the birth of Baby Beck, watching Anderson turn from a toddler into an awesome little boy, a few fun parties, and a couple of family vacations. But for all of the good, there was a lot of, well, crap. Money has been tighter than ever, time is shorter than ever, and I have felt like I have been on fast forward for what seems like forever. My mind is full of "if only"s and "someday"s and "in my next life"s. The year has been marked by countless ideas that never come to fruition, plans that never get made, and buckets full of envy for everyone who seems to have it all.
This year I vow to put family first and worry about nothing else. I have spent (read: wasted) way too much time worrying about what others think when "others" aren't the ones that matter. As this year begins the four of us have less time than ever together as a family and the time we have should be spent having fun, enjoying eachother, and making memories (cheap memories).

The bottle seems to be winning for now

Sadly it seems Beck is beginning to self-wean at only 9 months old. I've seen it coming for a couple of weeks now, but have just been holding out hope that it would pass. Such does not seem to be the case. I suppose I can't blame him, really. The bottle is faster and certainly more filling when he is wanting a snack and not enough time has passed since last nursing him to really satiate him. And nursing during the day has become increasingly distracted as there are far too many things in this world that captivate him more than looking up at my chin. 

Now gone are the night time pumping sessions and just this week we have added formula into the mix due to the dietary issues that have come up. I swear, watching him enjoy full bottles whenever, wherever makes me think I may have been starving him these past few weeks. OK, so I have been a bit protective over my stash of frozen milk. I mean if he was just messing around wanting a little snack and it was nowhere near time to nurse, I may have just crossed my fingers and given him Cheerios instead of defrosting milk because, hey, that milk is for when I am at work, darn it!

Sure, the freezer is still plenty stocked for now and I will continue to pump and nurse as long as both babe and body will allow, but right now I am just so grateful that I have a happy boy who adores his bottle (and his very nasty high iron formula- yuck).