In less than 12 hours my life as a mom will change. Not in a huge, earth-shattering, mind-altering sort of way, but in more of a moving on, get-back-in-the-swing-of things kind of way. I will go from being a stay-at-home-mom to a working mom and I will have to quickly to adjust to all of the changes that entails. In these last six months of being home I have been everything to these boys. I have been the one to wipe tears, noses, and bottoms. I have spent nap times wondering what to do with our days and awake times wishing at least one of us was napping. I've crammed in a few projects here and there and even got this old blog back up and running. And, just when I feel I've got it down- the schedules, the feedings, the sleeping, how to get both of them in and out of the car in a crowded parking lot- it's time to go back. Back to school. Back to the hormone-filled teenagers with whom I will spend more time than their parents over the next nine months. Back to being accountable to someone other than myself. Back to waking up early for a reason other than a hungry baby. Back to pumping. Oh my, the pumping.
Going back to work at the end of each summer is always bitter-sweet, but especially so when I am now leaving behind TWO kids. With it comes excitement, structure, and responsibility, but also a loss of freedom. Gone will be the days when we all stay in our jammies until noon playing trucks and when I go to bed somwhere near midnight after watching a bunch of meaningless television. In their place will be early mornings (very early mornings), bottle washing, and lots of phone calls and video messages.
The other day as I was nursing Beck I welled up thinking about it all. I will be leaving him every day. I will be leaving my little baby and I'm not so sure I'm ready. I'm not ready to give them over to daddy (though I will admit I think he's better at it than I am). To let him be their go-to guy. To not be the one in control of everything. I'm not ready to be "filled-in" about who did what and how sweet/cute/naughty it was. But I suppose I never will be. But then again, I'm not ready to leave work either. As much as I love, love, love my boys, I like my job, too. I don't love it, but I certainly like it well enough. It pays the bills, keeps me entertained, and allows me to communicate with beings at least a little older than my kids. And it's a good thing. Because I will be back there in now less than 11 hours, pump and phone in hand, counting the minutes until I get to walk in the front door and be with my babies. Ready or not.
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