Tell me

It's not that I didn't know something was wrong, it's just that I didn't want to be that mom. The one who is over-bearing, over-protective, and over-worried about every little thing her kids do or do not do at certain ages. But I knew. I knew that at two years old Beck should have been speaking and I knew that he was behind. But still I waited. By two and nearly a half it had been long enough. After countless evaluations by his doctor, therapists, and social workers it was determined that Beck had a "severe" speech delay, with (thank God) no other developmental delays observed. News we could totally handle. It has been a many-months long process including state, private, and school district services, but we are finally seeing some real progress. Whereas just 4 months ago he had a vocabulary of just 8 comprehensible words (when 250+ is considered "normal") he now uses more words than we can even count. What we can understand, well, that is still far from normal, but there are words just the same. With twice weekly private therapy sessions and an upcoming evaluation through the school district in which an IEP will be put in place and services provided at a local elementary school, we hope to find him well within the "normal" range within the next year. Boy do we love this little guy. And now he can tell us he loves us, too. :)

Halloween 2013

It was a low-key kind of Halloween and that was just fine by us. The black widow and the more-often-than-not headless beetle made the rounds with their best buddy Jakey and the whole thing wrapped up by 6:30 when Anderson declared it was getting late, he had enough candy, and it was time for bed. OK, then. Party animals or bugs, as it were.

Just dance

Slow on posting a myriad of things primarily due to the seemingly endless dance parties that have been taking place every afternoon. These boys have got the moves.

Two

Beck,
Two years ago I met you and although I loved you completely, I did not know you. I could not have begun to guess who you would become or how you would change me both as a mother and as a human. You have brought more joy than you can imagine and you have filled a void I never even knew existed before you. You are strong-willed, obstinate, and feisty which, if describing anyone else, may seem like unfortunate descriptors, yet when describing you they fill me with great hope and comfort for these are the qualities of a leader. You are your own little person; you follow your heart and your desire. You are a risk-taker. You are adventurous and fearless and you give me a mini heart attack almost daily. You are a fighter and have been since before you even came into this world. You are kind, loving, and heart-achinlgy sweet and I know, without a doubt, that you were given to me to make me a better mom.You are so loved and so incredibly special.  Happy birthday, Baby Beck. "I love you" just doesn't seem like enough.

Fetch

I have no picture, but I had to write this down, lest I forget:

Anderson (taking Beck's paci out of his mouth and throwing it across the room): "Go get it boy!"
Beck runs and gets it, shoves it back in his mouth and brings it back to Anderson.
Anderson: "That's a good boy! Good little Baby Beck!"

This goes on daily. We have no dog. As far as I know Anderson has never actually seen someone with a dog playing fetch. But, alas, he treats his brother like a Golden Retriever. And, just like a good dog, Beck keeps coming back for more.

Spying on them

After dinner while I cleaned the kitchen the boys went their separate ways to enjoy the last few minutes before bath and bed; so happy they both were. And so oblivious that neither one even noticed me sneaking a peek. And, yes, that IS spaghetti hanging off of Anderson's leg.

And Beck kissing his baby? Oh my gosh I just about died.

Into the box

I'm packing away this year's Valentines into everyone's memory boxes and had to smile at just how sweet something as cute as kids' thumbprints can be. Beck's little smudgy one is just so perfectly him.

inspiration via Pinterest, of course

Love this

Beck is nearly 2 and I have never dressed him and Anderson alike, mainly because I have just never thought to. But Gabe and the boys surprised me at work on Valentine's Day and they were twinsies. So cute. That afternoon we went on a walk and they stopped at the end of the street for a rest and to just be goofy. A low quality phone picture, but one of my most recent favorites.

Out-takes

Enjoying the out-takes from our little make-shift Valentine's photo session. Beck is not one for cooperating these days. I also realized I forgot to post the address labels from the finished product. They might just be my favorites yet (even if the colors here look off).

Sunday Afternoon

It was cold and overcast and we had absolutely no plans but to enjoy our day. For a while there was no one but us as we slid, ran, and moved from swing to swing. And oh my gosh, when did Anderson become such a big boy who can swing all by himself and even push his little brother?! It had been months since I thought about bringing my camera and I am so glad I did. These are my favorite days to remember.

At peace

I never tire of watching them sleep.

Packed Away

Last week I packed up the last of Beck's baby bottles. I'm not normally so sentimental about such things but for some reason it made me pause, I guess because it was acknowledgement of just how big my baby has gotten. Funny what can trigger a little pull at your heart.

Bruiser

Beck, you were out of our sight not more than 10 seconds and then we heard a thud followed by that unmistakable high pitched "come quick I am hurt!" scream. Apparently somewhere between our room and yours you fell on a toy (or maybe the tube of diaper cream?) and got a puncture wound right on the corner of your eye. A morning that started off with everyone happy and smiling turned into a long afternoon of debating whether or not to take you to get a little glue on your eyelid that seemed to continue to bleed for hours. In the end Grandma and I decided it was fine to treat you at home with a little tape, some Tylenol, and a lot of lovies instead of subjecting to you the emergency room. Ughhh...why do these things always seem to take place just minutes before Daddy has to walk out the door for work?! Things got even better when you tried to give Buddy some cake crumbs and he snipped at your finger. Oh, and you are teething and fighting a cold. Seriously a bad weekend all around. I am keeping my fingers crossed for at least a few more consecutive hours of sleep tonight, though I will be making extra coffee for the morning just in case. One and a half is truly a tough age. Hang in there, baby. I love you, little Bruiser.

Regression

Dear Baby Beck,
Please, please, please can we have just a little bit more of this?

While you have never been an amazing sleeper, you have always been a good one. Random nights here and there would find you waking, but you've always calmed down and gone back to sleep quickly with a little head rubbing and a paci, at most. But these last two weeks. Oh, these last two weeks! I swear it has been like having a newborn in the house all over again. Except louder. And more un-relenting.

It started when you got sick (which is also the same time we changed your mattress which Daddy swears is the culprit). As you were getting better, so was your sleep. Until you hurt your leg last week. Since then it has been something different every night. Some nights you don't want to go to sleep in the first place, others you wake multiple times, others you wake up and want to stay up (for the record, I was not at all happy waking up and starting my day at 3:40 am on Sunday morning Saturday night?).

I'm not sure what the issue is. At first I assumed you were in pain and that broke my heart. Of course I went in, picked you up, rocked you, whatever. Now, however, it seems you have just gotten used to us coming in and fussing over you in the middle of the night. You most definitely have us wrapped around your little finger. How else do you explain the smiles and giggles as soon as we come in and the blood-curdling screams when we leave?

Tonight you took forever falling asleep and I am now attempting to re-Ferberize you (though Daddy can't stand it and always goes in and cuddles you). You are finally down for who knows how long. Please let it be until morning. Please. I have said a prayer, crossed my fingers, and knocked on wood. That's got to count for something, right?

All I know is I am tired. Very, very tired. I already get up at 5 am so these lost minutes that are turning into hours of sleep every night are beginning to wear on me. I love you so very much, but this has got to stop. Tonight. Or I just may lose my mind. Seriously.

xo,
Mommy

Steps

Baby Beck, yesterday I came home and you were walking. And not just one wobbly step, but five or six full-fledged, official Frankenstein steps right into my arms that made my heart simply melt. Apparently you decided it was time and that was that. Until you fell. Sideways. It was awful. The piercing screams were unbearable and in about a quarter of a second I went from over-joyed to a complete wreck. Nothing appeared broken (images of protruding bones filled my head as I rushed to get your clothes off), but you were obviously in pain. Now I'm not one who is quick to call the doctor or assume something is wrong (you will hate me for that when you are older, just as I did my mom when she would make me go to school because I "was probably fine"), but you wouldn't even put your foot on the ground so the call was quickly made.

X-rays were taken and everything appears fine, though it certainly does not feel fine as evidenced by your screams when you put pressure on your leg and your crawling with your right foot held up in the air. I'm hoping for a speedy recovery. I'm so thankful it wasn't anything worse than a minor sprain. I can't even imagine a little baby cast!

Needless to say you are no longer walking. But when you do I will be armed with the video camera. And I will surround you with pillows.

Lately

Some pretty terrible pictures, but a pretty fun last few days.

1. Anderson has been tending to his sunflowers daily. And getting very dirty doing so.
2. Baby Beck has discovered his love for playing "construction site". Finally, something they can do together.
3. Out with the crib, in with the bunk beds.
4. Anderson loves, loves, loves, posing with these posters from our Christmas cards.
5. I love when the neighbor girls come over to play. Anderson loves it even more.
6. Baby Beck has the sweetest face. His slight sleep regression these past few nights is killing me, but I still love that sweet face.
7. Anderson waited in line to ride the tiger only to have it swiped by a very menacing four year old. He settled for the bear. A much better choice in my opinion.
8. Oh how Baby Beck can swing. The park is so much more fun these days now that he can swing and slide.
9. This little bunny had no idea what was coming when these two approached him from either side. The farm is becoming our new weekend go-to spot.
10. Anderson rode in the "coal car" all by himself at the Spectrum. By himself!
11. We spend about $3 a week in pennies for various fountains. The boy has big wishes.
12. Cinco de mayo was spent with British drama and Thai food. The beer was Mexican, at least. We're fairly multi-cultural in this house.
13. I actually got to not only shop, but try on and buy a skirt at Anthropologie this weekend. I only had about 10 minutes from the time I entered until the time I left, but it was nice that nobody was screaming or crying for the entire ten minutes.
14. The boys and I had an impromptu little desert date at the bakery. Anderson wanted a cupcake and a cookie. They actually had a cupcake-shaped cookie. Lucky day.
15. I made Anderson a little pillow case for his new bed. I kind of love it. He does, too.

Hmmm...Anderson sure does wear a lot of stripes.

What would have been a birthday

Baby Beck, it is hard to believe that you turned one so many weeks ago when, in fact, it is not until today that you were supposed to be celebrating. What a surprise it was that you were born so much earlier than expected, but how grateful I am that on this day you are a happy, healthy, and completely normal one year old.

I wanted to share these photos on your actual birthday, but for some reason it didn't feel right. On your birthday I was so overwhelmingly filled with joy and gratitude that I wasn't ready to focus on the hours that led up to your birth which were, in fact, the most frightening hours of my life.

One day when I am ready I may put the whole experience into words, but for now these photos express what I cannot yet say.

As always, thank you Natalie, for capturing the important moments in our lives.