Happy Spring and all of that

Last week is a bit of a blur due to all of the birthday festivities, yet smack dab in the middle of it Spring began. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking but the last few days have most definitely been a bit brighter and a touch warmer. Anderson and I even planted our tomatoes and sunflowers today to celebrate. With 9 cake layers, 36 cupcakes, and three parties down in the last few days I am definitely taking a few days to step back and re-group. I may even focus on work which promises to be nothing less than gruelling this week. Or I may just focus on looking through and editing the 500+ pictures I took this week. Because that sounds way more fun. And those dinosaurs in party hats make me smile.

Fetch

I have no picture, but I had to write this down, lest I forget:

Anderson (taking Beck's paci out of his mouth and throwing it across the room): "Go get it boy!"
Beck runs and gets it, shoves it back in his mouth and brings it back to Anderson.
Anderson: "That's a good boy! Good little Baby Beck!"

This goes on daily. We have no dog. As far as I know Anderson has never actually seen someone with a dog playing fetch. But, alas, he treats his brother like a Golden Retriever. And, just like a good dog, Beck keeps coming back for more.

Four

Anderson,
Today you turn four years old. Four years of hugs, four years of laughs, four years of the brightest days. Your smile is contagious, your sweet giggle hysterical. No longer a toddler, but not quite a big boy you are trying to figure out this great big world. You are curious, passionate, and kind. You give the biggest hugs, the best kisses, and the coziest snuggles. You are a champion negotiator and a master dinosaur player. You are the most perfect you and my world is better because you are mine. I love you more than you'll ever know. Happy birthday, sweet boy.

Getting ready

Trying my hardest not to let procrastination take over as I plan for Anderson's little after-school party next week. But it's sooo hard.

Spying on them

After dinner while I cleaned the kitchen the boys went their separate ways to enjoy the last few minutes before bath and bed; so happy they both were. And so oblivious that neither one even noticed me sneaking a peek. And, yes, that IS spaghetti hanging off of Anderson's leg.

And Beck kissing his baby? Oh my gosh I just about died.

This

This afternoon, unsolicited and out of the blue:

Anderson: "Mommy, you're the best mommy in the whole wide world."

I needed that more than he will ever know.

Whits' end

Whit's end? Whits' end? Do I have more than one whit? I'm not sure. But, regardless, I'm at the end them (it). It has been a trying couple of weeks. Though, to be fair, maybe it's only been a week that just seems as if has gone on forever. Anderson's tantrums have reached epic proportions and I feel completely, utterly hopeless. My sweet, gentle, loving boy has been losing control and raging. Hard. It's as if he becomes consumed with frustration yet has no clue how to handle it and he just bursts. It absolutely breaks my heart. He says things he hopefully doesn't mean, kicks, screams, and cries. It is frightening, infuriating, and so very sad all at the same time and I feel totally conflicted about the entire thing. It has been the subject of nearly every conversation I have had recently, yet nothing seems to be changing. I have one side telling me that I need to stop the behavior immediately, yet they have no suggestions for doing so that have made any impact; and I have the other side that keeps telling me it is just a stage and it will go away on it's own. But how am I supposed to just carry on when my boy seems so sad and angry and I, myself, feel as if depression is going to set in at any moment? And how will that help in any way? At the core of it all I truly believe his behavior is a direct result of being over-tired from waking so freaking early in the morning, but how do I fix that? It just seems like one more issue I am battling to no avail. Trying to force a nearly four-year-old to nap is pretty much a joke and trying to force him back to sleep when he is wide awake at 5 am is even more ridiculous.

I just don't know. And I suppose there is no purpose to this post other than the fact that I just need to get it out. I need to let go of some of this stress I am feeling that makes me doubt my mothering skills more than a few dozen times a day. I cry, I read parenting books, I yell back, I cry some more, I am consistent, I try to love him through it, but nothing seems to help. I am helpless. When all you want to do is fix it, yet everything you do or say is met with nasty words and demands to get away, you lose all confidence.

Three has been hard. They say four will be better. We are just over two weeks away and I am trying desperately to hold onto that hope. That maybe this is the absolute bottom because I am not sure I can mentally go any lower and soon things will be on the upswing. That maybe we have seen the darkest days of toddler-hood and can soon begin to see the light. Today gave me a glimpse. Not a harsh word, a frown, nor a "no" from my sweet boy. Today was a day of smiles, laughter, and crazy-good behavior. Today restored my confidence, if only enough to be able to face tomorrow.