Break

Currently wishing I were here:

on the beach in Costa Rica, doing this:

That massage on the beach is one I will never forget. And, sadly, it may just be the last one I've had. Back in 2008. Oh my, that is a long time.

My days lately are more exhausting than they have ever been as life with a 3 year old and a 1 year old becomes more and more chaotic. For the most part it is a wonderful chaos and I would not change it for the world well, except the tantrums, those I would change for little more than a wink and a smile, but that makes me sound like a terrible mother so I'll stick to my original thought, but a quiet hour with the ocean in the background, birds chirping, and not a care in the world or someone screaming sounds like shear bliss.

We talk about making a fourth trip to Costa Rica when the boys are a bit older and money is a bit looser, but I know it will never be the same as when we have been before. Great memories were made on those trips. Memories of Gabe and me that I hold extremely close to my heart. Those trips have been the only time in our eleven plus years together where I have felt completely care free, relaxed, and in the moment. Where we have done nothing but enjoy our time together, talk, and connect.

It will be a while (years, actually) before we get away on our own in the same way. Besides time and money constraints, I am just not comfortable vacationing while somebody else is taking care of my young children for more than maybe a night. So for now I take the free moments I have and I reminisce. It's not quite the same, but it will at least hold me over for another day or two.

Steps

Baby Beck, yesterday I came home and you were walking. And not just one wobbly step, but five or six full-fledged, official Frankenstein steps right into my arms that made my heart simply melt. Apparently you decided it was time and that was that. Until you fell. Sideways. It was awful. The piercing screams were unbearable and in about a quarter of a second I went from over-joyed to a complete wreck. Nothing appeared broken (images of protruding bones filled my head as I rushed to get your clothes off), but you were obviously in pain. Now I'm not one who is quick to call the doctor or assume something is wrong (you will hate me for that when you are older, just as I did my mom when she would make me go to school because I "was probably fine"), but you wouldn't even put your foot on the ground so the call was quickly made.

X-rays were taken and everything appears fine, though it certainly does not feel fine as evidenced by your screams when you put pressure on your leg and your crawling with your right foot held up in the air. I'm hoping for a speedy recovery. I'm so thankful it wasn't anything worse than a minor sprain. I can't even imagine a little baby cast!

Needless to say you are no longer walking. But when you do I will be armed with the video camera. And I will surround you with pillows.

On being a mom

Some days are awesome, most are pretty great, some are a challenge, and others hello, today!!! make me look back fondly on the days where I thought kids were for suckers. I am not one of those cheerleader, "Oh my God being a mom is the best job in the world!", "every moment is a gift kind" of moms. I love my boys. I have fun with them every day. I try to do right by them and set a good example for how to be a good, responsible, respectable human being with proper grammar and an appreciation for home-cooked food. I get tired, I get cranky, I lose my temper on occasion. I let myself down with the way I handle certain situations. I am just a regular mom. No prizes for mother of the year, but I have two awesome little boys whom I adore like no other and who make me happy far more often than they make me want to pull my hair out. I am lucky and extremely grateful.

Yesterday on Mother's Day I spent a lot of time thinking about how much life has changed since becoming a mom. So much so that I barely remember what it was like. What did I do with all that free time? I am a mom now. It defines me. It dictates every decsion I make and it has forever chamnged who I am and who I will become. It makes me a better person and it makes me question every single move I make. It gains me entry into a not-so-secret society of women who need only to look at one another to understand eachother. It gives me purpose.

From Mother's Day:

 Our attempt at a self-portrait. I gave up very quickly.

Kind of blurry, but one of my favorites yet.

On Mother's Day

There is an understanding that comes with being a mother, an understanding of the sacrifices, the joy, the heartache, and the unconditional love felt by my own mother. Nothing has made me appreciate my mom more than becoming a mother myself. Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you.

Tantrums

My nickname growing up was "Screaming Mimi". I've heard the story of my mother's total embarrassment as I threw myself on the floor in a rage at the grocery store and customers gave her "the why can't you control your child" look story a hundred times. What goes around comes around, I suppose, because the tantrums have begun in the Palmer house.

We have been warned for years now and knew it was only a matter of time. Two was fairly easy, with only brief glimpses of naughty behavior and aggression. But three is here and a certain little somebody is clearly testing his boundaries on an all-to-regular basis. The word "no" is shrieked, cried, and/or screamed at least a hundred sixty-seven times a day. Sometimes it is accompanied by tears and whining, other times with flailing arms attempting to hit anything in their path. I have no idea what to do, no idea how to handle it. A huge part of me just says to ride it out. To accept that this is three. I'm not giving in to this little being who will go into hysterics over anything from wanting watermelon "RIIIIIGHT NOW!" to having a single grain of sand in his shoe and it makes it that much harder. I am standing firm, pulling my hair out, and sometimes even giggling. I just want it to end. Please, please, please tell me it will end.

Lately

Some pretty terrible pictures, but a pretty fun last few days.

1. Anderson has been tending to his sunflowers daily. And getting very dirty doing so.
2. Baby Beck has discovered his love for playing "construction site". Finally, something they can do together.
3. Out with the crib, in with the bunk beds.
4. Anderson loves, loves, loves, posing with these posters from our Christmas cards.
5. I love when the neighbor girls come over to play. Anderson loves it even more.
6. Baby Beck has the sweetest face. His slight sleep regression these past few nights is killing me, but I still love that sweet face.
7. Anderson waited in line to ride the tiger only to have it swiped by a very menacing four year old. He settled for the bear. A much better choice in my opinion.
8. Oh how Baby Beck can swing. The park is so much more fun these days now that he can swing and slide.
9. This little bunny had no idea what was coming when these two approached him from either side. The farm is becoming our new weekend go-to spot.
10. Anderson rode in the "coal car" all by himself at the Spectrum. By himself!
11. We spend about $3 a week in pennies for various fountains. The boy has big wishes.
12. Cinco de mayo was spent with British drama and Thai food. The beer was Mexican, at least. We're fairly multi-cultural in this house.
13. I actually got to not only shop, but try on and buy a skirt at Anthropologie this weekend. I only had about 10 minutes from the time I entered until the time I left, but it was nice that nobody was screaming or crying for the entire ten minutes.
14. The boys and I had an impromptu little desert date at the bakery. Anderson wanted a cupcake and a cookie. They actually had a cupcake-shaped cookie. Lucky day.
15. I made Anderson a little pillow case for his new bed. I kind of love it. He does, too.

Hmmm...Anderson sure does wear a lot of stripes.

Butterfly?

This little butterfly (huge moth, more likely?) came and spent quite a while on the back patio. Patient, he was. So much so that he even humored us long enough to allow us to hunt down the butterfly net and capture him for a closer look. Anderson was pretty excited about the whole thing.

What would have been a birthday

Baby Beck, it is hard to believe that you turned one so many weeks ago when, in fact, it is not until today that you were supposed to be celebrating. What a surprise it was that you were born so much earlier than expected, but how grateful I am that on this day you are a happy, healthy, and completely normal one year old.

I wanted to share these photos on your actual birthday, but for some reason it didn't feel right. On your birthday I was so overwhelmingly filled with joy and gratitude that I wasn't ready to focus on the hours that led up to your birth which were, in fact, the most frightening hours of my life.

One day when I am ready I may put the whole experience into words, but for now these photos express what I cannot yet say.

As always, thank you Natalie, for capturing the important moments in our lives.

Gift

Natalie had a birthday so I put together a little box of goodies. Nothing fancy, just a couple of things I like a whole lot.

Pancakes

We made pancakes on Saturday. We don't do it very often, but we should.