Whits' end

Whit's end? Whits' end? Do I have more than one whit? I'm not sure. But, regardless, I'm at the end them (it). It has been a trying couple of weeks. Though, to be fair, maybe it's only been a week that just seems as if has gone on forever. Anderson's tantrums have reached epic proportions and I feel completely, utterly hopeless. My sweet, gentle, loving boy has been losing control and raging. Hard. It's as if he becomes consumed with frustration yet has no clue how to handle it and he just bursts. It absolutely breaks my heart. He says things he hopefully doesn't mean, kicks, screams, and cries. It is frightening, infuriating, and so very sad all at the same time and I feel totally conflicted about the entire thing. It has been the subject of nearly every conversation I have had recently, yet nothing seems to be changing. I have one side telling me that I need to stop the behavior immediately, yet they have no suggestions for doing so that have made any impact; and I have the other side that keeps telling me it is just a stage and it will go away on it's own. But how am I supposed to just carry on when my boy seems so sad and angry and I, myself, feel as if depression is going to set in at any moment? And how will that help in any way? At the core of it all I truly believe his behavior is a direct result of being over-tired from waking so freaking early in the morning, but how do I fix that? It just seems like one more issue I am battling to no avail. Trying to force a nearly four-year-old to nap is pretty much a joke and trying to force him back to sleep when he is wide awake at 5 am is even more ridiculous.

I just don't know. And I suppose there is no purpose to this post other than the fact that I just need to get it out. I need to let go of some of this stress I am feeling that makes me doubt my mothering skills more than a few dozen times a day. I cry, I read parenting books, I yell back, I cry some more, I am consistent, I try to love him through it, but nothing seems to help. I am helpless. When all you want to do is fix it, yet everything you do or say is met with nasty words and demands to get away, you lose all confidence.

Three has been hard. They say four will be better. We are just over two weeks away and I am trying desperately to hold onto that hope. That maybe this is the absolute bottom because I am not sure I can mentally go any lower and soon things will be on the upswing. That maybe we have seen the darkest days of toddler-hood and can soon begin to see the light. Today gave me a glimpse. Not a harsh word, a frown, nor a "no" from my sweet boy. Today was a day of smiles, laughter, and crazy-good behavior. Today restored my confidence, if only enough to be able to face tomorrow.